One Step to Happiness

  by Thomas Martin

What if I told you that happiness is just one step away? That there is only one thing you need to do to be content and happy?  Would you take that one step?  Is joy more important to you than sorrow?  Is giving up one thing to receive thousands of other blessings sound like a good thing?

It’s really that simple but It isn’t all that easy, yet the results are amazing.  This one thing is the root cause behind almost all unhappiness in the world.  It is definitely the primary reason for the failure of relationships. 

So what am I asking you to give up in life?  What is the one thing to give up so that many wonderful things may enter your life?  I’m asking you to give up Expectations. 

There is an adage that members of AA are taught in their twelve-step program.  That saying is, “Let Go, Let God.”  As much as I believe and trust the power of God, I think in many ways, the power of this statement is in first part; Just letting go of expectations. 

I used to enjoy watching the Dr. Phil show, many years ago.  I watched the show regularly and thought, “All of the problems these people are having stem from the same root.  They are all unhappy because their expectations have not been met.”  The rest was just fluff. 

One of my favorite Dr. Phil quotes is, “How’s that working for you?”  In an attempt to change something in their life, people will embark on a certain path.  They expect that path to effect change.  When their expectations are not met, they often keep following the same path and…  guess what?....  wait for it… expect different results!  The core problem?  EXPECTATIONS! 

I’ve heard too often from friends, both married and single, phrases that begin, “A friend is supposed to…” “A husband is supposed to…”  and on and on.  Guess what?  As your friend, unless you tell me, I have absolutely no idea what you expect from me as your friend.  Just as you have no idea what I expect from you, UNLESS we tell each other!!  And even then, I may have no interest in meeting your expectations. 

Kids leave college expecting to be hired to a great job.  The problem is that companies who are hiring have no duty to hire you.  They need to fill positions, but you are just another resume or applicant to them.  If you really want the job, you have to meet THEIR expectations.  They have no duty to meet yours. 

I listen to any afflicted group, unhappy with life in the United States.  Whether their victimhood comes from their race, their gender or their sexual orientation, they all expect people to accept them.  Guess what?  There will be people who like you and people who don’t.  Just as you like some people and dislike others.  You might expect them to you accept and like you, but they are who they are just as you are who you are.  They are probably expecting you to act differently as well.  So, you are disappointing them as much as they are disappointing you.  Who is at fault?  Both of you are at fault.  You both have expectations which will never be met.  Maybe if everyone let go of expectations, maybe then we all truly would, “Just get along.” 

There is a statistic I used to find completely illogical.  It is that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to later divorce than couples who don’t first live together.  My thought was that the more you know about your mate, the better you can evaluate the relationship.  Sadly, it appears that one or both of the couple expects the other to change after the wedding.  First of all, no person can ever change another.  People only change because they want and are ready to change.   So, the wedding takes place, no one changes, and there are now failed expectations.  This then leads to disappointment, then frustration, anger and finally, the end of the marriage.  So what changed in the relationship?  Did the man change?  Did the woman change? Or did the expectations change, what each expected of the other? 

I know a woman with an infectious personality.  She makes friends easily and loses them pretty much as easily and quickly as she makes them.  She has very specific, limiting expectations in her relationships.  They are so limiting, that no one can live up to them.  She gets angry; her friends have no idea why; and soon, she either chews them out (leaving them even more perplexed) or just stops talking to them.  I told her once that expectations were the cause of almost all doomed relationships.  Apparently, my telling her that didn’t meet her expectations of me as her friend, so she cut me off too.     

There is another old adage, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”  God has a path for your life and that is the path which will manifest itself.  You may have minor steering control, but ultimately, God’s plan will win out.  I’m not suggesting that making plans is a bad thing, but expecting them to happen as you plan is definitely a guaranteed path to unhappiness. 

And if you expect life to be “fair,” I guarantee you a lifetime of unhappiness.

There is a Buddhist image of life as a river.  We have each been placed into our unique, rapidly flowing river at birth.  We can swim, play, rejoice, cry, feel any emotion we choose, hope, dream, have expectations of where the river will take us – but the river will move in its own time and in its own direction.  The more we fight against the current, the unhappier our lives will be.  The more we accept the current, the happier we will be.  That is our choice in life.  There will be rocks throughout the river and it behooves us to swim around them.  But that is about as much control as we really have.  Ask almost any person over the age of 50 about their life.  Ask them, “Did everything go as planned, as you had hoped??”  If you ask enough people, you might find one who answers in the positive.  But overwhelmingly, the answer will be “No.”  Their rivers were filled with unexpected twists and turns, yet many led to opportunities and life defining moments that never could be humanly planned.  If you talk to the happiest people in life, you will find that they truly did take the lemons given them in life and made lemonade.  Their lives weren’t what they expected, and that was alright too.  

This one step is simple but it is not easy.  Let go of expectations, you be who you are and let others be who they are.  Flow with the river, don’t fight against it.