So Who's Afraid of Strong Women?

 

One statement I’ve heard repeatedly over the last several years is “White men are terrified of strong women.”  

Really?

Interestingly, I grew up in a family of truly “strong” women.  My mother, my grandmother, my great-aunt, my piano teacher, my cousin, and so on.  These were women who overcame adversities that most women today cannot even imagine.  One absolute truth of all of them was that no one needed to label them or tell me they were “strong.” Their strength did not come through clever insulting remarks, rudeness, or making themselves out to be victims of any sort.  They all rose above their adversities and challenges and chose to be productive, happy people.  Not surprisingly, I wasn't afraid of any of them.   I did have tremendous respect for each of them though.  

Anyone, male or female, once they choose to be a victim, defining themselves as such, are weak, not strong, because their victimhood is all that they are and I do not see any victim as “strong.”  These victims constantly provide excuses for their failures and challenges rather than accepting them, learning from them, and moving forward.   

Lest you think I am merely targeting women, the same is true about men who feel they need to tell me that their fathers raised them to be “men.”   The fact that they feel the need to tell me that, rather than by my observing their actions, tells me that they are NOT men, that they still frightened little boys. 

My respect is given in only one way – it must be earned.  The more excuses you give me, the more you blame others for your own bad choices in life, the less respect you are likely to get from me.  Again, insulting others with cleverly-timed phrases does not make you “strong.”

If you ever tell me you are a victim, of any sort, you are not in any way, strong.  The fact that you are looking to me for sympathy, empathy, or some other sort of emotional state that in fact asks me to overlook your accepting responsibility for your choices in life, indicates to me that you are simply weak.  Again – you are not “strong” if you are parading out your excuses.  It isn’t your failures I’m judging you against, it is that you do not take responsibility for them and instead make excuses that weakens you in my eyes.

Whenever I hear someone complain about some event sixty years prior, something that had no negative impact to the person’s progress other than hurting their pride AND that situation no longer exists, I wonder how they can ever be anything but weak.  They cannot set down the smallest bit of baggage and move on.

We see this regularly in the American black community, with complaints about slavery.  First of all, not a single person in this country has ever lived as a slave in the United States, it was something that happened over 150 years ago.  Slavery was abolished by the blood of over 150,000 men from the north.   Yet somehow, some way, this event which never directly touched a single currently living person, completely defines them to the point that they believe they are entitled to large sums of money to reimburse them, giving the excuse that “systemic racism” prevents them from succeeding.  This in spite of the vast numbers of black Americans who have succeeded, the billionaire, Oprah Winfrey being a prime example. 

Now, let me tell you about a truly strong woman.  I met her in the hospital in November.  She has heart failure as well as cancer.  She had been in the hospital for about one month when I came to visit her on Thanksgiving Day.   She was awaiting surgery to implant a mechanical pump into her heart.  This pump restores the normal blood flow in the patient so that they once again have the energy to lead a fairly normal life.  The down side is that you must carry the power source with you at all times.  The components of the power source weigh approximately 8 pounds and are connected to the patient from a cord that runs from inside to outside the body, just above the waist.  At night, the patient unplugs from batteries and plugs into a unit next to their bed.  Again, the next morning, they unplug from that unit and plug back into batteries.   Because of the equipment, the patient can no longer bathe, shower or swim as they did before.    It permanently changes their life.

Since this woman also had cancer, the doctors told her that they could not give her good odds as to the outcome of the surgery.  She brushed off the negative comments and told them that she wanted to go forward with the implant because what they might learn to help others. 

This beautiful and truly strong woman is also black.  Not once in my several conversations with her did she ever say anything to indicate that she was feeling sorry for herself in any way.  She did not blame anyone or look for some sort of “justice.”  She accepted her situation and decided to move forward, as best she could, to get back to her life.   She told me what she planned to do after leaving the hospital, not once mentioning what she would not be able to do. 

Funny, as a white man, I wasn’t the least bit intimidated by her.  In fact, her strength and courage melted my own heart. 

I have more true stories of truly strong women which you can find in Profiles of Strong Women.  I think if you read my essay entitled Betty, you’ll see yet another truly strong woman. 

 Oh, and one other thing, I have never, ever heard a truly strong woman say, “I am so offended….”

I have met too many people with overwhelming physical challenges and one truth of all of them, when they wake up in the morning, instead of fretting about what they cannot do, they look forward to what they can do.  They leave their life baggage next to their beds and move forward.